[13449] in APO-L
FW: It even happens at the north pole! (fwd)
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Thomas E. Brown Jr)
Thu Dec 21 14:20:24 1995
Date: Thu, 21 Dec 1995 13:17:49 -0600
Reply-To: "Thomas E. Brown Jr" <tebrown@LONESTAR.JPL.UTSA.EDU>
From: "Thomas E. Brown Jr" <tebrown@LONESTAR.JPL.UTSA.EDU>
To: Multiple recipients of list APO-L <APO-L@VM.CC.PURDUE.EDU>
Let's see if this one gets through
>
>Subject: It even happens at the north pole!
>***************************************************************
>
>The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take
>the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of
>concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other
>restructuring decisions at the North Pole.
>
>Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North
>Pole no longer dominates the season's gift distribution business.
>Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished
>Santa's market share and the could not sit idly by and permit further
>erosion of the profit picture.
>
>The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a
>late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved
>productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard
>Business School, is anticipated and should take up the slack with no
>discernible loss of service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen
>airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been
>cited and received unfavorable press.
>
>I am pleased to inform you and yours that Rudolph's role will not be
>disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole.
>Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier
>leak that Rudolph's nose got that way not from the cold, but from
>substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and
>never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made
>by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year
>when he is known to be under executive stress.
>
>As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the
>North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps.
>Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take
>place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
>
>The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to
>be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging
>plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.
>
>The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost
>effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not
>be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.
>
>The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves
>the French.
>
>The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail
>system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to
>determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they
>talked.
>
>The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors.
>Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative
>implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other
>precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks
>appear to be in order.
>
>The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be
>afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg
>per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three
>geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by
>personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets
>will be a good one.
>
>The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better
>times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on
>order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes
>and therefore enhance their outplacement.
>
>As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy
>scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being
>sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no
>upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to
>try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.
>
>Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will
>be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the
>steps.
>
>Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the
>expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation
>Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work
>congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the
>savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed
>congressmen this year.
>
>Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of
>the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a
>cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will
>drop right down to the bottom line.
>
>We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl,
>animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that
>stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop
>ship in one day, service levels will be improved.
>
>Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking
>expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing")
>action is pending.
>
>Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be
>necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the
>Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to
>see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
>
>Happy Holidays!
>
>
>
>
